DASTARDLY AND DANGEROUS CULINARY DISPLAY!!
WAR. WAR ACROSS THE TABLES OF GRIZMO!
That is what happened last night at the GRIZMO CHARITY EATING CONTEST!
Whether through true charity or a daring plan or a DASTARDLY AND DISTURBING FOOD EATING FETISH, proprietor Golah Jo, local businesschua of Grizmo, hosted this contest, promising 5 platinum and GLUTTONOUS SHAME to all who would dare enter. Though the contest had little advance notice, a cacophony of characters appeared to make themselves known to the communities of Nexus! Your faithful writer and correspondent, Drekos Bloodcaller, was among them.
Upon seeing that the contest would require the will of FAZARR HIMSELF, I took it upon myself to enter and PROVE DRAKEN SUPERIORITY IN ALL THINGS. INCLUDING EATING CONTESTS.
Though the contest was open to all, only draken and chua DARED TO TEST THEIR STOMACHS in this contest of wills. Many FEEBLE Cassians were noted among the SPECTATORS!
As the tournament began in earnest, each contestant was paired against another to PROVE THEIR DOMINANCE before advancing to the next round. Golah chose DASTARDLY CULINARY DISASTERS to feed to his contestants! UNSPOILT MILK? EGGS FROM CREATURES UNKNOWN? CHUA BEETLES? UNSEASONED MEATS? Ok the last one would have been ok, BUT I WAS SERVED THE UNSPOILT MILK!
ONLY THE WORTHY were able to down these ATROCITIES and continue with the contest. I am proud to say that THIS DAY FAZARR FOUND ME WORTHY TO CONTINUE, along with NORIACK THE NIBBLER, TOTH’S TEETH, and another draken, LEX THE LIT.
It was here that Golah demanded we DRINK PURE HOT SAUCE! I was unsure whether this was a joke or not, but I WOULD NOT LET SUCH A PALTRY DEMAND DEFEAT ME. It was a fierce battle between your writer and Lex the Lit, but in the end Lex SWALLOWED AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF HOTSAUCE GLASS AND ALL. While brave, it would have been the end of the huntress had not a medical team been on hand to get the glass out of her throat!
Meanwhile, NORIACK THE NIBBLER AND TOTH’S TEETH were given STALE CANDY CORN TO EAT. WHO KEEPS YEAR OLD CANDY CORN? It was then that I KNEW Golah had been PLANNING THIS TRAVESTY FOR YEARS IN ADVANCE! After the two chua stuffed themselves full of candy, the staleness of the candy corn proved to be the end of Toth’s campaign for DOMINANCE as a great ball of candy corn became stuck in the chua’s gullet and had to be dislodged!
With CRISIS AVERTED on both the CHUA AND DRAKEN FRONTS, only myself and fellow correspondent NORIACK THE NIBBLER were left in the running for the title of FOOD KING.
For this greatest of challenges, the DASTARDLY GOLAH provided a horrid challenge…. ALL THE PREVIOUS CHALLENGES GROUND UP AND MIXED TOGETHER. IN LIQUID FORM! Truly a horrifying test. If this is what Food Correspondents go through on a regular basis, then I must confess them to be the BRAVEST OF ALL SOULS IN THE GALAXY.
It was a fierce battle, with both myself and Noriack struggling to keep down the BLACK SLIME OF SICKENING DISASTER from coming up. BUT ONLY ONE CAN BE VICTORIOUS! Just before finishing his BUCKET OF DOOM, Noriack was SEIZED with ANGUISH and was forced to EJECT THE CONTENTS OF HIS STOMACH ACROSS THE OPEN SEWER!
BUT I WOULD NOT GIVE IN, I WOULD NOT YIELD! AND I FINISHED THE DISASTROUS CULINARY MISCARRIAGE, FAZARR GIVE ME STRENGTH!
Truly it was a HORRENDOUS experience, but one THAT I SHALL GLADLY REPEAT TO PROVE THE DOMINANCE OF DRAKEN KIND!
We shall see what Golah brings to the table in future contests, which I am sure will occur, EVEN IF I MUST HOST THEM MYSELF. Golden Ash Hens? Piles of unwashed bananas? Tar beetles?
BRING IT ON GOLAH, THE FOOD KING AWAITS YOUR TRIALS!!!